I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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