she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
