I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
