I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
