my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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