im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Randomize
