she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
