Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
