I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Girls should come with a carfax report
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
