He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize