I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
