On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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