Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
