I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
