Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
