I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
