I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize