I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
She is in my trunk
i barfeds in our rink
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
