Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
