Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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