apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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