He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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