Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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