just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
