I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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