We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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