my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
