I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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