Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
