Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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