"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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