I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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