Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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