Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
