its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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