I am puke
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
