she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize