you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
