Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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