i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
