He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
