I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
areolas are like halos for boobs.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
