i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
