Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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