Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
