Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
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