Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
