then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
