god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
