that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
