i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
