Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
