Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize