I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
