I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
