if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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