I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
