my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
